Escape From Bitterness

September 16, 2011
'The escape route for bitterness leads to the Cross, where the only one who had the right to be bitter, wasn't.' I hadn't been in church very long and was taking every note I could at our ladies Bible studies. This was a quote from one of the weekly studies and I never forgot it! It stood out so bluntly, so much so I can't tell you anything else about our study. God for several months has been teaching me somethings and letting go of situations has been the most crucial. When we are hurt or have been done wrong by someone we end up with two basic options. Forgive and move on or be bitter and never move. We become consumed with the torment of the mind that we can't seem to break free. The enemy will use this tactic to draw division among Gods people which acts as cancer. It spreads slowly to the point we can't enjoy life because of the pain.

I was reading in the Old Testament in the book of Numbers chapter 5 about how if the husband of the wife became jealous and suspected her to be sleeping with someone that the husband was to bring her to the priest and they did what was called "the trial of jealousy". In the ceremony the wife would drink a mix of Holy water and dust from the tabernacle floor. This was called 'bitter water' and if she has been defiled then a curse would be placed upon her. You see, only the pure at heart survived this. Now I know this is talking about adultery but I couldn't help but notice three things about this that relates to all bitterness; jealousy, defiled, and cursed.

JEALOUSY
When bitterness attacks it starts with a conflict then settles as we feel we can control this and it ends with evil thoughts and jealous acts. We can never see the good in the person who is on the opposing side because the devil has convinced us that they are only out to get us and they think they are better than us. So this rage bubbles inside and becomes 'bitter' tasting. It doesn't settle well with our body or spirit. It is a form of spiritual indigestion that cause us to lack in sleep because it wants to regurgitate. This jealousy causes unholy ambition in those affected by it. Our motives are not pleasing to God! The Holy Spirit inside us can not swallow this and therefore wants it gone! But we will keep holding it in because we think it will pass. We can't rid ourselves from this alone.

Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom. But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth. This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish. For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.  James 3:13-18 

for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.  Song 8:6 

DEFILED
We have defiled our very being. Jesus said in Matthew 15:18-19, 'But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts...' You see those evil thoughts have now been manipulating us. We become hurt and feel that retaliation is appropriate. We may begin saying things about them or telling others our story over and over, thinking this will serve justice. When words come out cold and ugly about a person, it doesn't really serve justice now does it? Where is God in all that? 'Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks'. Matthew 12:24. Defiled simply means spoiled, desecrate, and profane. God cannot accept a defiled being in Heaven for Heaven is perfect! God separates the good from the wicked and there is no good in wicked. Hanging on to a bitter state of mind will eventually cause us to be defiled and cut off from God if we don't repent.

My mouth shall speak of wisdom; and the meditation of my heart shall be of understanding.  Psalms 49:3 

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.  Psalms 51:10-11 

Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you? If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are. 1 Corinthians 3:16-17 

CURSED
As this progresses we then walk around full of disease. Because of our stubbornness we begin to lose those near us. A barrier forms around us called negativity. This hinders the move of God in our life and affects everyone that is around us. This is a curse that we have brought upon ourselves. Our work in the Lord becomes in vain and nothing prospers. Our everyday challenge seems unbearable. Life is now to difficult. Prayer has diminished because we feel guilty at the emotions we have held on to. We feel God can't do anything to help and we were so rotten that He would turn us away. We now are bringing destruction upon ourselves because of not willing to let it go and show forgiveness. We are cursed by our own hands and this will cause us to be apart from the Lord. He is willing to help us based upon our willingness to allow Him.

And might not be as their fathers, a stubborn and rebellious generation; a generation that set not their heart aright, and whose spirit was not steadfast with God.  Psalms 78:8 

Cursed be he that doeth the work of the Lord deceitfully  Jer 48:10 

For as many as are of the works of the law are under the curse: for it is written, Cursed is every one that continueth not in all things which are written in the book of the law to do them.  Gal 3:10 

This is very serious and we all are subject to failure! When we feel bitterness creeping in the first thing that needs to be done is go straight to Jesus. Lay it at His feet and then ask Him to help us forgive the other person. Then we need to go to that person. It sounds easier than it really is but the truth is it will work out! I have been told many times that God can't bless a mess but I disagree! When else can a person fully appreciate the blessings of the Lord? When God delivers you from the mess you made, that is the beginning of an abundance of blessings! Imagine your best friend has been battling lung cancer for years and God in a instant performed the miraculous. What a beautiful thought to know she would live longer and be a testimony to the world isn't it? Apply this same thought to yourself as God heals you from bitterness! You can breathe again. You have joy again and further more you have life again. We need to equip ourselves with the whole armor of God and be prepared as the devil is seeking whom he may devour. Be aware and alert and take the initial steps to protect ourselves. We have a way out and that is through Christ Jesus. We can't allow the bitterness of our wounds to produce jealousy that will defile the body and cause our lives to be cursed!

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. Heb 4:16

Bless them that curse you and pray for them which despitefully use you.  Luke 6:28 

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Psalms 46:1 

Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us Psalms 62:8 

My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever  Psalms 73:26 

And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.  Mark 11:25-26 

Bi-Polar.....DEFEATED!

September 11, 2011
From the age of fourteen I had been medicated to treat Bi-Polar disorder and when everything seemed to fail God was still trying to get my attention. I was becoming a person that was intolerable and had no direction in my life. I was seeking for attention and had mastered manipulation beyond compare. One day I was excited about life and doing what I could to enjoy it and the next day I was sick with worry and confusion. I had started working when I was sixteen and would take the money and buy things for my mom or a friend I had hurt. This alone was like an addiction, Money in, money out. My idea to this was I could please everyone and be loved and the more I would give the more they would love. I was excessively spending and even buying things that were unimaginable ridiculous! Disco lights for my sister, haircuts for all my friends, drugs, and even a guitar for my mom because she said it reminded her of one she had as a little girl. Mom never could play a guitar anyway! I was always taking people out to eat and paying for alcohol. I know this doesn't seem like something out of the ordinary, but it was more than once in a while, these shopping sprees were happening everyday! At least until the depression would hit, then shopping was on hold until my next manic phase.

Then I would be so unstable with my emotions that I was crying or contemplating the best way for me to die. I would become paranoid thinking everyone hated me and they were looking for ways to make me miserable. I would hide in my room and isolate myself from everyone. Thinking became my enemy at this point. I hated my life. Nobody cared. The was no reason for me to live and I questioned God as to why He brought me in this world. I felt guilty over all the money I spent and had nothing to show for it. I was angry and wanted to fight anyone over anything. I would get so irritable that life was too unbearable. I was on edge and people began to really notice. This would last from a few days to a few weeks. When I was feeling better again then along came the shopping. Now shopping wasn't they only 'release' I had. There were drugs and drinking and hypersexuality. This cycle would happen over and over again. I had become so predictable.

Medicines weren't helping much and the ones that seemed prosperous didn't stay that way for long. As I continued to go to counseling I began to open up about my past circumstances and began to think clearer but these Bi-Polar attacks kept coming out of nowhere! The attacks tormented me because I was treated differently by society. I had dealt with so much criticism by friends but more by family. I remember one night I was dealing with a headache and we were at my dads. There is a relative that was very young at the time and would cuss and say obscene things at that time and she came to Chad and said something awful and I yelled at her saying that she had better not ever say those things to him ever again. My dad snapped back at me asking if I was on my medicine! Saying that if I was the doctors needed to up the dosage! This was a moment I began to finally assess the situation. Was he serious? So now you are considered crazy or out of control because you corrected a child for vulgar talk. I think not! I began to think maybe I wasn't as bad as they thought. Just because you have a bad day doesn't classify you as Bi-Polar. I told Chad I have had enough. Something in my life needed to change. I began by not taking my medicine. Yep I said it, I threw it away.

That summer ended up being the best ever! I was full of life and energy. Chad and I went fishing and walked trails. We were so happy and things were wonderful. He was the only person who knew I had stopped my medication. I was continuing therapy, but never even told my doctor I had quit. I knew if I did everyone would have something to say and it was not going to be good. One day while at work my uncle was telling Chad how well I seemed to be and that he was glad the doctors finally got me on the right medicine. Chad slipped up and told. I had been medicine free for about four months and all was well until the truth was out. Relatives I never spoke to were calling just to 'check in' with me. I knew their motive. Then everyone was looking for any reason for them to tell me I need to call the doctor! It was a plot I tell you, they wanted me to be 'abnormal'! Finally my grandma convinced me to get my prescription filled and as the story goes, here came the emotional roller coaster.... again.

You can not imagine the image one has in this frame of mind, unless you are there, walking in the same position. I was so sick of this 'crazy' label placed on me and sick of family looking at me waiting for the next mess up. I had received the Holy Ghost by this time and felt a greater peace than before, but all these medicines were doing was causing me to walk as a zombie. I studied Gods word and prayed asking Him to help me to overcome this battle. Slowly the Lord would reveal things to me. I needed to forgive my dad for things that had happened. I needed to work out anger issues and I needed to trust the Lord more. One day I cried out to God, after returning from the doctor and getting new medicine. I said God how can this be? I have been on everything imaginable and to them nothing is working but Lord I know this is not where I am to be. I know this is not how I am to live! So I had opened my Bible up to 2 Timothy 4:7 and wept aloud to the Lord. ' For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.'
This was a spirit that was oppressing me and the Lord was not the one who had given it to me! He said He has given me a SOUND mind! I fell prostrate on the floor as the Spirit ministered to me and I cried and travailed. I had entered into a new realm of prayer as the Lord interceded on my behalf and I remember my whole body shaking as I spoke tongues different then any other. I remember sweat pouring and feeling a heat overshadow my back and head, as if someone had their hands placed their. I do not know how long I laid there but I do know that as audibly as one can speak the Lord spoke to me. He said to Arise and throw away the medicines as I was now healed and no longer will need them. I did just that. I said, 'Lord, I give you the praise but you know I am stuck with this label and Lord if it is not too much to ask can you go before me and let everyone else know I am healed? Jesus you have to make the way as they will never believe me.' As funny as this sounds, I really did ask! I wanted Him to just erase every ones minds of how they knew me and let that be it. Oh us humans are so funny sometimes.

I told Chad and made him promise to say nothing to anyone! I knew God would protect me and I knew He would go before me, but I never even imagined what He was about to do. I went to my therapy appointment as I always did. My grandma was my transportation and we were in the waiting room when one of the office workers called my name. She asked if I had been there before. I told her yes that I had been there off and on for the last six years. She explained to me that they couldn't find my medical records but that maybe it was misplaced so she would keep looking. I was speechless. I seen the doctor, left, and went home thinking if this was real. My next scheduled appointment was a month away. I would know for sure then. Arrived, signed in, went back to one of the rooms, and this young student doctor was asking me questions about my history. It was like the first initial evaluation process so I asked why the questions. He said that they don't have me on file. There were no charts on me. I explained to him that I have been there before and he looked at me in disbelief. Third appointment, the same thing except this time the doctor asked why I was there. I said, 'I have no idea!' She laughed and said, 'well I don't either!' We talked a while about everything, and she concluded that there was no reason to make another appointment and for me to call periodically to see if my chart turns up. It was like God erased the label away!!

So recently I was at the same place because of a mental inquest warrant (a whole other story!). I told God, as I went, I will not lie. I will tell the doctors everything He did for me. So as I was in the small room with a doctor to be evaluated, she asked me if I have ever had Bi-Polar? YES. Are you taking medicine for it? NO. Why are you not taking your medicine? BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE BI-POLAR ANYMORE. Has a doctor told you this? NO. How do you know you don't have it anymore? GOD TOLD ME! I wish you could have seen the look on her face when I told her this! She said sarcastically, God told you? How did He tell you? Did you hear a voice in your head? I thought for sure she was going to keep me there as I began telling her my story. She took notes and sent me back out to the holding area. After a total of four hours of being there she comes back and says, 'we have nothing to hold you here for, so you can go home'.

Let me tell you, when God does something He does it right! Oh you better believe I still have people trying to convince me I am Bi-Polar and I have dealt with a lot of silliness because of it but I know a God who is ALL powerful and He healed me completely from it. I am overwhelmed at his love for me and I hope that all these skeptics, that have nothing better to do but try to keep convince themselves I am crazy, will soon see that where there is belief, the is faith, and where there is faith, there is miracles! God broke this stronghold four years ago and I am doing great now. I have a clear mind and it has been a blessing to live life now without the fear I once had. Some people won't forget the old me but God has. You see, that Emily doesn't exist anymore!

My Introduction

September 10, 2011
Praise the Lord everyone! My name is Emily and
I never in a million years thought that I would be serving God today! I grew up in a small town in Kentucky and really everyone one knows everyone! I made memories to last a lifetime but also made some I wish I could forget. I had been mentally, physically, and sexually abused as a young child and this made transition hard while growing. I put all my energy and focus into writing as a kid and believe today this was a release for me. My grandparents had raised me for the majority of life which I count as a blessing because of my grandma, whom I call Mommy still to this day. She taught me to clean and cook and all those important things in life that you never see to be important until you become an adult. She was definitely the disciplinarian while Pelpa was more laid back! My brother and I knew that when Mommy said no, Pelpa would always say yes. We were snot-nosed, dirty faced, spoiled little brats! Life was much simpler then and I had some of the greatest memories of my life then.

As age came, so did pressures of this world. I had endured abuse. It began maybe at 8 years old and progressed until I was 14 years old. It was hard to overcome and even harder to face. I later moved in with my Mom who demanded I find friends to run around with. I did just that. I was 14 and lost my "innocence" and began hanging out on the streets. I was drinking and being promiscuous and then I began fighting with people and just causing a ruckus everywhere I went. I was failing in school and was enrolled in counseling.

Well I quit school the year we were to graduate and began smoking marijuana. I was 17 then and began to spend my time with the older crowd. I was lacking in self confidence and never seemed to be accepted by those my age so I thought I would go where I would feel belonged. I spent long nights out doing whatever blew my way and by the time I was 20 I was doing cocaine. I would smoke weed laced with opium and the buzz kept me from dealing with reality. I had absolutely no respect for myself and people knew this. I had men taking advantage of me and there were times I was so out of it I couldn't even speak to say no. I was abused in many ways by these guys and one guy later on had even beat me. This was not how I dreamed my life would be! My brothers and sisters and I fought a lot and family distanced themselves from me. Or maybe it was me separating from them. Either way I was a mess! I was a sick addict needing a way out but no one took time to lead me to that way. After years of drinking, drugging, and sleeping around something just snapped! I had all I could take.

I had been in counseling since I was 14 years old and was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder. I was on so many different medications and finally at 20 I told my Doctor that I was using illegal drugs and am tired of things being like it is. He gave me some other medicines and gave numbers to drug rehab centers. Was he crazy? I mean I just thought he could snap his fingers and it would all go away. I didn't want to be put in a rehab so I never called. I began taking pills off the street. By the time I was 23 I was doing meth. I was able to still work and do things normally, the drugs just kept me going. I was working at Waffle House and was sneaking to the bathroom just to hit my pipe. One night I was driving around and I began to see things around me. All these people who claimed to be my friend, were never around when I needed them. I was all alone and needed to find that way out.

A guy I dated came to me and said Emily leave! You don't belong here. This life is not for you. You are so much better than this! He really had me thinking. I will never forget the desperation in his eyes when he told me this. Did he really see something in me that everyone else couldn't see? Was he just too high to even know what he was saying? Now I know that it was a Divine intervention from God Himself! It was about 4 months later this friend had committed suicide which really hurt me. I was mad that it happened but I was more mad that he tells me to get away from this life but he couldn't!

During the same time of this transition a certain guy was coming to Waffle House on Saturdays. He was cute but I remember thinking 'man he sure has a big forehead'. He was a gentleman and was soft spoken. I was now at a point where I was battling a big change. I wanted to do good but still wanted to be the way I had been for so long. It was the ultimate test in life for me. So I began to pull away from drugs and leave men out of my life. I had refused to ever date again. That was the easy part compared to the drugs. At least it was until Chad came along. He would come in with his cousin and would order all kinds of food and left good tips, but after 3 months he had finally asked for my number. He didn't know about my past or the secret bathroom breaks I was taking. He just knew I was beautiful and for once in a long time I had began to feel it! This month we will be celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary and we have been together for five years now!

You see through all this God made the way for my escape. He had His hands on me and has protected me all this years. He brought Chad in my life just before my friend kills himself to comfort me. You see Chad didn't do drugs. He was a wonderful man full of energy and enjoyed all the things I use to love doing before I became so strung out. It was like God was giving me back a part of myself but far greater than I ever could be alone! I began losing my desire for drugs and some say this is impossible, but let me tell all things are possible with God!

Chad would ask questions like 'do you believe in God' and of course I would answer yes, but I had know idea who God was in all reality. Finally after dating a while he moves to my hometown and he began to minister more and more to me. He spoke about receiving the Holy Ghost and that people speak in tongues and how we should worship God. I thought he had lost his mind but hung around to get a good laugh. Curiosity began to spring forth and I was becoming a sponge that couldn't soak up enough of Gods Word. I had questions and was determined to get answers. I then became pregnant and the questions were eating at me because I knew my desire as a child was to raise my children in a Godly home. How was this to happen? We weren't in church and I had no idea what I believed? I wasn't in agreement with Chad on what he believed and the biggest difference was that he didn't believe in the trinity but I grew up in a few churches and that was what they taught. I was desperate and only God knew how bad. I thought it in my mind day and night. Chad said Jesus is God and that He is also the Son of God. I was utterly confused! I needed to know. So I began reading more of the Bible and asking God who He is.

We went to an Apostolic church in Hopkinsville KY and it was then that the greatest and most amazing thing would happen. I was sitting there being critical of everything around me and the preacher began to preach and he was good. I still wasn't hearing my answer though. Then randomly out of the blue the Elder Pastor of the church rose and said that he needed to stop service and everyone needed to pray. He said God was telling him that "someone here has been dealing with something for a while and today you will get your answer!". I was floored! What? How could this be? So he asked everyone to pray and opened the alter up for people and my mother in law grabbed my hand and literally pulled me to the alter. Ladies began to surround me and pray. Some laid hands on me and so I closed my eyes and began weeping as God began to move. I was praising him and asking him to forgive me of everything from my past. To help me become better and to lead me to Him. Show me God, show me who you are!! As audibly in my head as possible God spoke and I said, "I Am the I Am. I am He". Then I began to speak in a language I never learned. I spoke in tongues for the first time and this was the baptism of the Holy Ghost that Chad was telling me about. This was when I had fully surrendered my will to the Almighty God and I can't even begin to tell you the awe I was in! I had tapped into the supernatural and was now in the presence of God! It alone was miraculous and I began to feel freedom consume me. I went further and was baptized in Jesus name, which is the name above all names! When I came out of the water I was new. This spiritual birth changed me forever. Glory to God He set me free!

I can tell many things from that day on that will amaze even the unbeliever and I am thankful to God for seeing all the good in me when the whole world could only see the worst in me. We found a church here in our city and began to attend. Little did we know, that God had sent prophecy to the Pastor and his wife about us. A minister had told them that a couple would be coming that will come to help the church. That we were young and had two kids. Well I found my place where I belonged. The people were wonderful and greeted us with much kindness. Brother and Sister Mackowiak have been our mentors through our walk with God and have been a great joy to sit under. This was my place and my new home. After being in church a few months God delivered me from Bi-Polar disorder and I have been medication free for 3 years! Praise God! I am drug free and have been for 4 years! Hallelujah! I have been faithful to may husband our entire relationship and have found forgiveness along the way to be the greatest treasure to possess, next to love of course. I am not perfect in no way and I have struggles and am tempted just as everyone else but the truth I hang onto is, I am a miracle!

I am now at a point where I am seeking my purpose and will use this as a way to mix my love for writing and my love for God to inspire you! You'll never know what the day holds and what ideas I have but one thing I do know is, I have a lot to say! I will be posting a series of things from what has happened today, to miracles I have witnessed, and even things that are bothering me! I hope you enjoy and May the Lord Bless You.

Your Friend,
Sister Emily