Anxiously Waiting

I receive weird looks when I tell people I seldom watch movies. I am so out of date with Hollywood, that now it poses some awkwardness. Why don't I watch they ask? Because I am a cry baby! I cry with Disney movies, I cried over Pippy Longstocking, Goonies, King Kong, and MANY others. Seriously, there is very few movies I was unable to sob about. For as long as I remember I've been this way...unable to shut down the waterworks.


Last night I was experiencing a very anxious moment. I tried sleeping, but thoughts wouldn't cease. I tried drinking to unwind. I tried hanging out with friends, but all I wanted to do was run. I walked in the rain a while and yet nothing soothed this nagging urge within me. I daydreamed of love that couldn't happen and was tired. Mentally and physically tired. My last resort, driving. I drove 150+ miles and ended up at a theater in Elizabethtown before it was over. I tried getting others to join me, but it was very clear God wanted me in solitude.


I debated if I really wanted to go in and waste money I really didn't have. What would I see? Who would notice I was all alone and would I look ridiculous sobbing to something others found comical? Either way, I knew I had to do something to calm my mind. I had spent an entire day wishing for something I couldn't have and I just wanted it to end. I am not sure why I ended where I did and not sure if a movie would satisfy, but yet, there I was.  That town is so beautiful and I was stuck staring at a plain little movie theater.


Sigh. Inhale, exhale. I nervously walked in and as always, scanned my surroundings. I saw one family to the right of me and one man playing games. Looked pretty clean and the employees were attentive and attractively smiling at me. The movie listings for 9pm were few and I could have waited for 9:30 to watch Star Wars, but my anxiety had no patience. You gotta remember, I had spent nearly eight hours in this state of mind and wanted a "fix" of some sort. I made my decision to watch Concussion, got my popcorn, Butterfinger bites, Sierra Mist, and clumsily made my way to my seat; Three quarters of the way up, in the center. I had moved three seats just to find this spot. Almost felt like Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory, trying to find the perfect movie seat. I was alone at this point. I actually started shaking. It wasn't eerie, but uncomfortable. Was I really gonna be the only one in there? I began shoveling popcorn in my mouth and was trying to be humorous in my thoughts. "Hey Emily this is awesome! You can even lick the butter off the side of the popcorn bag and nobody will know."


Then, walks in this absolutely beautiful blond lady and her partner. He was a bit rough looking but I watched as he led her through. He carried everything for her and yet still managed to place his hand on the small of her back, to help her keep balanced. Did I mention she was simply beautiful? It was a painted beauty and not plain as I am. For a moment I felt jealous. Her figure was the perfect Barbie figure and her smile lit up that dim room. I found myself looking at myself and comparing me to her. It was sickening that I wanted to vomit up my half eaten bag of popcorn! I looked down at my muffin top tummy, and noticed her jewelry and my lack of.


I began slumping in my seat and thinking "you are so stupid. You should have never came alone and now they know what a miserable person you are." I wanted to leave. Guess where they sat. Yep, right BEHIND me. Really? Who does that? So now I gotta be mindful of how I am eating and what noise my candy wrapper made. And the movie begins. About ten minutes in I began relaxing. I wasn't thinking so much of the "daydream" and wasn't paying so much attention to my surrounding's. Although, I did notice the three of us giggled at random moments and gave sighs of disgust together. I found this calming. Three different people, experiencing the same things throughout the movie. At one time I let out my loud "HA" I do and they laughed about it. I must add, not once did I cry. Seriously, no waterworks!


As we were leaving, he held the door open for me and she looked at me and said, "I couldn't help but notice how beautiful your hair is. I know this sounds crazy but during the movie my husband and I both noticed the lights reflecting from it. You really must take very good care of it."
"Aww thank you. I do try my best but things are so busy sometimes that I am rarely able to fix it."
"Well, today must have been a day you had time! Was there a special occasion?"


At this point I become a bit unsettled...not sure why, but it threw me off and had to take a few extra seconds to find the answer.


"Oh no. Nothing special. Just my day off and wanted some "me" time."
"Me time is most important. That's how I met the love of my life. I was in your spot once and God leads people at the right places and at the right times. Don't stop dreaming."


And this couple just walks away. What in the world?? All this time I was beating myself up over the same dreams of the same person and KNOWING deep down it will never happen, and someone is randomly going to come at me, in one of the most awkward moments of my life, to tell me to keep dreaming? It's the dreams that terrify me the most. Rejection and fear destroys them daily, but yet desire rekindles them over and over again. What is a person to do when the battle is between love and lust and they have no idea the difference between the two? I guess keep dreaming....I went home and did just that. My first uninterrupted, 8 hour, nights sleep in years! I plan on returning every month, to the same place for "Me" time. It was worth feeling uncomfortable.

Letter to My Children's Future Step Mom

Dear Future Step Mom to My Children, 

I am writing this to express my sincerest feelings. It's been nearly a year since I heard about you and it's been nearly a year,  my world,  as I knew it, shattered. It's easy to point blame and it's easy to be angry at you. I blamed you for stealing my ex husbands heart but as they say,  time heals all wounds. My eyes were opened that you can't steal something that never belonged to someone to begin with. My ex husband is a good man and was as good as he could be to me as his wife. I had my own demons I battled daily and he just didn't know how to take care of me anymore. I made him miserable from time to time and I didn't live up to his expectations as to what a wife should be. Somewhere along the way we fell out of love and only tolerated each other for the sake of our children.  It doesn't mean we are both horrible people,  it just means we were horrible for each other. I just want you to know I hurt very deeply by how you both handled things. I didn't fight for our marriage to survive because of love, but I did so because it was the right thing to do. Marriage is sacred and many take it for granted these days. It isn't the fairy tale we grow up believing in. Many times I found myself angered, bitter, and running from the comfort Christ wanted to give. It wasn't until I sat at Jesus feet, weeping for the comfort of my familiar life to return, that I was reminded of God's everlasting mercy. He is faithful and just to forgive our sin, but we are to ask. This particular moment in prayer I was shown that even adultery is forgivable and being a woman of God, I am not only required, but obligated to forgive you both.  I hope you accept my apology for lashing out against you,  as I was immature in handling the situation. I allowed my emotions to overrule my ability to act appropriately. Many would say I had every right to retaliate, but in Gods eyes I didn't.  

I must admit, it was hard losing him to you. That's because I was selfish. I would have rather held on to something that was broken than admit I couldn't be the one to fix it. Now, I see it was all a part of Gods plan. For years we were unhappy and things continuously separated us more and more.  Our lack of happiness fueled our frustration and problems were added daily to our lives. I would pray and pray asking God to help and make me a better wife. I would pray to be loving and compassionate. I prayed for years to change and be everything my ex husband wanted and needed. Finally, seeing me change into someone I am not,  and him stay the same I started asking God to remove him from my life if he was never going to change. It's much deeper than what I could ever write,  but God knew my request and knew my heart was sincere. We could no longer live the way we were but I refused to be the one to be at fault or be the one to give up. So I did what I have been taught...take it to Jesus and trust Him to handle it.      

I owe you and my ex a great amount of gratitude. At the time I didn't see the rainbow in my storm. Now it's so clear. The decisions made did nothing but make me a better person. It pushed me to work hard and see the potential in me. I suffered with depression our entire marriage and was so hard on myself because I never felt good enough and I hated not being able to contribute any more than what I did. He seems very happy with you in his life. I never seen him smile so much before.  You are financially stable and work hard so it makes a brand new start easy for you both. He deserves someone who can meet that need in him. You are confident and beautiful. I am sure you compliment each other well. I have no shame in admitting you 'won' so to speak. You both are amazing and deserve an opportunity to fulfill what dreams you have, together. I know that in Gods timing I will find that one who completes me just as beautifully. 

Right now,  God is teaching me strength and patience. I do not hate you in any way. I can't hate someone that my children love so much. They are thrilled to have you and your daughter in their life! They always have wonderful things to say about their visits and how good you are to them. That's my only care, that they are in good hands. I hope and pray that in time we can actually commune and be civil,  without tension.  It is only right,  in case we must meet to pick up or drop off the kids. There is absolutely no reason that we shouldn't act adult. It will only better things for the children.  They will see that even in difficult moments, we CAN forgive and love one another as Christ commands. I wish you both a happy marriage and pray all the blessings in life your way. Just like I told my ex,  he deserves happiness and you seem to give him that. I failed miserably on that end,  but we did have good times and have our children to remind us that love has enough room for extended families! 

With Love and Blessings, 
Emily