Bi-Polar.....DEFEATED!

September 11, 2011
From the age of fourteen I had been medicated to treat Bi-Polar disorder and when everything seemed to fail God was still trying to get my attention. I was becoming a person that was intolerable and had no direction in my life. I was seeking for attention and had mastered manipulation beyond compare. One day I was excited about life and doing what I could to enjoy it and the next day I was sick with worry and confusion. I had started working when I was sixteen and would take the money and buy things for my mom or a friend I had hurt. This alone was like an addiction, Money in, money out. My idea to this was I could please everyone and be loved and the more I would give the more they would love. I was excessively spending and even buying things that were unimaginable ridiculous! Disco lights for my sister, haircuts for all my friends, drugs, and even a guitar for my mom because she said it reminded her of one she had as a little girl. Mom never could play a guitar anyway! I was always taking people out to eat and paying for alcohol. I know this doesn't seem like something out of the ordinary, but it was more than once in a while, these shopping sprees were happening everyday! At least until the depression would hit, then shopping was on hold until my next manic phase.

Then I would be so unstable with my emotions that I was crying or contemplating the best way for me to die. I would become paranoid thinking everyone hated me and they were looking for ways to make me miserable. I would hide in my room and isolate myself from everyone. Thinking became my enemy at this point. I hated my life. Nobody cared. The was no reason for me to live and I questioned God as to why He brought me in this world. I felt guilty over all the money I spent and had nothing to show for it. I was angry and wanted to fight anyone over anything. I would get so irritable that life was too unbearable. I was on edge and people began to really notice. This would last from a few days to a few weeks. When I was feeling better again then along came the shopping. Now shopping wasn't they only 'release' I had. There were drugs and drinking and hypersexuality. This cycle would happen over and over again. I had become so predictable.

Medicines weren't helping much and the ones that seemed prosperous didn't stay that way for long. As I continued to go to counseling I began to open up about my past circumstances and began to think clearer but these Bi-Polar attacks kept coming out of nowhere! The attacks tormented me because I was treated differently by society. I had dealt with so much criticism by friends but more by family. I remember one night I was dealing with a headache and we were at my dads. There is a relative that was very young at the time and would cuss and say obscene things at that time and she came to Chad and said something awful and I yelled at her saying that she had better not ever say those things to him ever again. My dad snapped back at me asking if I was on my medicine! Saying that if I was the doctors needed to up the dosage! This was a moment I began to finally assess the situation. Was he serious? So now you are considered crazy or out of control because you corrected a child for vulgar talk. I think not! I began to think maybe I wasn't as bad as they thought. Just because you have a bad day doesn't classify you as Bi-Polar. I told Chad I have had enough. Something in my life needed to change. I began by not taking my medicine. Yep I said it, I threw it away.

That summer ended up being the best ever! I was full of life and energy. Chad and I went fishing and walked trails. We were so happy and things were wonderful. He was the only person who knew I had stopped my medication. I was continuing therapy, but never even told my doctor I had quit. I knew if I did everyone would have something to say and it was not going to be good. One day while at work my uncle was telling Chad how well I seemed to be and that he was glad the doctors finally got me on the right medicine. Chad slipped up and told. I had been medicine free for about four months and all was well until the truth was out. Relatives I never spoke to were calling just to 'check in' with me. I knew their motive. Then everyone was looking for any reason for them to tell me I need to call the doctor! It was a plot I tell you, they wanted me to be 'abnormal'! Finally my grandma convinced me to get my prescription filled and as the story goes, here came the emotional roller coaster.... again.

You can not imagine the image one has in this frame of mind, unless you are there, walking in the same position. I was so sick of this 'crazy' label placed on me and sick of family looking at me waiting for the next mess up. I had received the Holy Ghost by this time and felt a greater peace than before, but all these medicines were doing was causing me to walk as a zombie. I studied Gods word and prayed asking Him to help me to overcome this battle. Slowly the Lord would reveal things to me. I needed to forgive my dad for things that had happened. I needed to work out anger issues and I needed to trust the Lord more. One day I cried out to God, after returning from the doctor and getting new medicine. I said God how can this be? I have been on everything imaginable and to them nothing is working but Lord I know this is not where I am to be. I know this is not how I am to live! So I had opened my Bible up to 2 Timothy 4:7 and wept aloud to the Lord. ' For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.'
This was a spirit that was oppressing me and the Lord was not the one who had given it to me! He said He has given me a SOUND mind! I fell prostrate on the floor as the Spirit ministered to me and I cried and travailed. I had entered into a new realm of prayer as the Lord interceded on my behalf and I remember my whole body shaking as I spoke tongues different then any other. I remember sweat pouring and feeling a heat overshadow my back and head, as if someone had their hands placed their. I do not know how long I laid there but I do know that as audibly as one can speak the Lord spoke to me. He said to Arise and throw away the medicines as I was now healed and no longer will need them. I did just that. I said, 'Lord, I give you the praise but you know I am stuck with this label and Lord if it is not too much to ask can you go before me and let everyone else know I am healed? Jesus you have to make the way as they will never believe me.' As funny as this sounds, I really did ask! I wanted Him to just erase every ones minds of how they knew me and let that be it. Oh us humans are so funny sometimes.

I told Chad and made him promise to say nothing to anyone! I knew God would protect me and I knew He would go before me, but I never even imagined what He was about to do. I went to my therapy appointment as I always did. My grandma was my transportation and we were in the waiting room when one of the office workers called my name. She asked if I had been there before. I told her yes that I had been there off and on for the last six years. She explained to me that they couldn't find my medical records but that maybe it was misplaced so she would keep looking. I was speechless. I seen the doctor, left, and went home thinking if this was real. My next scheduled appointment was a month away. I would know for sure then. Arrived, signed in, went back to one of the rooms, and this young student doctor was asking me questions about my history. It was like the first initial evaluation process so I asked why the questions. He said that they don't have me on file. There were no charts on me. I explained to him that I have been there before and he looked at me in disbelief. Third appointment, the same thing except this time the doctor asked why I was there. I said, 'I have no idea!' She laughed and said, 'well I don't either!' We talked a while about everything, and she concluded that there was no reason to make another appointment and for me to call periodically to see if my chart turns up. It was like God erased the label away!!

So recently I was at the same place because of a mental inquest warrant (a whole other story!). I told God, as I went, I will not lie. I will tell the doctors everything He did for me. So as I was in the small room with a doctor to be evaluated, she asked me if I have ever had Bi-Polar? YES. Are you taking medicine for it? NO. Why are you not taking your medicine? BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE BI-POLAR ANYMORE. Has a doctor told you this? NO. How do you know you don't have it anymore? GOD TOLD ME! I wish you could have seen the look on her face when I told her this! She said sarcastically, God told you? How did He tell you? Did you hear a voice in your head? I thought for sure she was going to keep me there as I began telling her my story. She took notes and sent me back out to the holding area. After a total of four hours of being there she comes back and says, 'we have nothing to hold you here for, so you can go home'.

Let me tell you, when God does something He does it right! Oh you better believe I still have people trying to convince me I am Bi-Polar and I have dealt with a lot of silliness because of it but I know a God who is ALL powerful and He healed me completely from it. I am overwhelmed at his love for me and I hope that all these skeptics, that have nothing better to do but try to keep convince themselves I am crazy, will soon see that where there is belief, the is faith, and where there is faith, there is miracles! God broke this stronghold four years ago and I am doing great now. I have a clear mind and it has been a blessing to live life now without the fear I once had. Some people won't forget the old me but God has. You see, that Emily doesn't exist anymore!